Kids + Faith + Baptism
ideas for the "Am I ready?" conversation
Hello from my front porch, where our family’s new mini sheepadoodle, Oreo, is snuffling and chewing sticks. He’s all fluff and my kids are over the moon about him.
You may know I live in the Los Angeles area, but that’s a big area, so I’ll clarify that I don’t live in a fire zone; we’re just a few miles further south than the mountains. Alta Dena is just a short drive away, and I can’t find words for how it feels to see a whole, vibrant, historic town disappear in tragedy and not know if they’ll be treated justly as they rebuild. But I’m also wholly unsurprised at the levels of neighbor-care from Angelenos. People don’t always know how great L.A. is, how great our people are, since we’re often flattened into a caricature for a movie or meme. But we are good to each other. I love L.A. so much.
I’m sure by now you’ve been invited to help in many ways, but if you’re still looking for a fit, I’ll offer the Immigration Resource Center of San Gabriel Valley, who will be helping the 20 families they already served on their immigration journey who have now also lost their homes. I know this group’s work well, and they are a vital provider of legal services and other support for immigrants in our community.
My kid wants to get baptized, maybe. What should we be talking about?
I’m asked some version of: When is my kid ready? fairly often.
There’s such a diversity of both theology and practice on baptism, so I’ve got 3 questions that I think reach pretty broadly, along with 3 ways I talk about what baptism means with kids. I hope they can help you discern this together with your kid when the time is right.
I recognize it may also be helpful to you to share where I come from on this, so you can adjust to your theological tradition.
My church roots are American Baptist, who practice baptism by choice. I still hold that view and practice. I was baptized when I was 10 in a backyard jacuzzi. My husband was baptized as a baby in his parents’ Presbyterian church, but never confirmed, and then chose to be baptized as a young adult. They do not know this, so don’t tell, ok?
For kids, I believe baptism is a child’s decision with a bit of our help, but it’s not something they are asking our permission to do. That’s not our place. Nor do I think it our place to decide for them, whether out of tradition or fear.
(This is why I feel conflicted about churches having age minimums for baptism. In most places I’ve served, the age minimum was actually in place to protect kids from fearful or superstitious parents who wanted them baptized, ready or not, like it or not, because it somehow sealed the deal on their eternal fate. It was there to remind adults that kids can take their time. However, there certainly were times that a child younger than the policy really wanted to be baptized and seemed to understand, to an age appropriate degree, what that choice meant. I didn’t love the way the age minimum seemed to silently communicate that the Spirit hadn’t done that within the child – that they were wrong or too young to know better.)
Let’s dive in.
Your kid asks: Am I ready to be baptized?
Well, kiddo, let’s talk about it:
Do you feel like you’ve had the chance to get to know Jesus? (Like through stories about him from the Bible, or from our faith community?)
Tell me some of your favorite things about Jesus. What do you love about him? Do you feel like you’ve had the chance to decide if you’re ready to say ‘yes’ to Jesus? You can always take your time, and I’m here to help.
Do you feel like you understand what baptism means? Tell me what you like about the ritual of baptism.
Let’s pause on this 3rd one for a bit, because it’s a spot I see this conversation go sideways. The adult comes to the conversation from a background of ONE RIGHT MEANING, feeling pressure for their kid to recite that single meaning back to them.
For instance, I’ve heard a lot of “it’s an outward declaration of an inward transformation”, which sure, is one option. But it’s not the only option, and we shouldn’t be surprised if a kid’s experience is more like growing into the love of God rather than being radically changed by it.
So keep in mind:
Baptism is a symbol with many meanings.
It’s helpful, then, to talk about lots of them.
Three I love to offer kids are saying yes, joining in, and celebrating:
SAYING YES: Baptism a symbol of saying yes to trusting God. (As the adult, add in the specific nuances your tradition brings to that 'yes.’ Share with your kid some of the ways that, after being baptized, we keep practicing saying an 'everyday yes' to Jesus.)
JOINING IN: It’s a symbol of being part of God’s family, God’s people. It’s about Jesus and it’s about joining in. We are not only saying we want to trust Jesus, but also that we are joining in with what God’s doing in the world.
CELEBRATING: It’s a little bit like a birthday party–a tradition to celebrate together that someone is part of the family of God! And in this family, we practice living together in ways that match who God is.1
Listen with curiosity
“If I’m not listening for ‘right answers’, what am I listening for? Isn’t the point of this to screen my kid to be sure they get it right?”
Get it right can mean many things, of course: Do their answers sound like a testimony? Or that catechism you heard way back? Are their answers good enough?
It also might mean: the right thing is to wait. Don’t rush. Be sure. What if they jump into this religious tradition and resent me for it later?
What if, instead, you simply listen for their experiences, emotions, and questions? Listen with curiosity about their process of getting to know God. Bear witness to the Spirit’s work in their life, whatever form that is uniquely taking, so that they can experience an adult saying, “What a cool faith journey you are on with God!”
The thing about ‘getting it’ is that it’s OK to not fully get it.
I worked for more than one church that boasted about their “Nike baptism” philosophy: just do it. I’ve known many people who opted to get ‘rebaptized’ because they just didn’t get it the first time.
It makes sense that we wonder: What if a kid doesn’t understand it as much as they should, and then look back on it as meaningless? What if they realize, years later, they weren’t ready?
But baptism has most often been a beginning. It’s been a symbol for the start of a person’s faith journey far more than being some sort of accomplishment on it.
For all of us, as we grow (in age and understanding) we learn new things about what baptism means, what faith means, who God is. It’s simply not the case that a person shouldn’t have been baptized before because they didn’t understand something then that they understand now. Baptism has been a first step in following Jesus for a very very long time. Of course we learn more later that we didn’t know at first. That doesn’t mean we need to ‘do it over.’
It means we get to look back with even more gratitude.
What’s been helpful for you as you explore baptism with the kids in your life?
Is there a key phrase or an image (like a birthday party) that’s clicked?
Or, what other questions can we talk about together? There’s so much to this, so let’s keep chatting in the comments!
For members of the Kids + Faith Community, here’s the story of Jesus’ own baptism to go along with these conversations!
If you’re not a member, enjoy this week’s story as a gift. You can join anytime—with access to all of the past 45 (!!!) stories—for just $30/year.
Each week you get a Bible story paraphrase, ideas to wonder, play and pray along with it, and a very helpful commentary 2-pager that leaves you feeling like you have a clue what to say about your kids’ questions!
And if it’s not in the budget, for whatever reason, just hit reply and say you’d like to join. We’ll get you set up.
Kid Story and Response Ideas
Grown Up Commentary and Context Page
Ask Away
Breathe in: I am God’s beloved child.
Breathe out: God is pleased with me.
Amen.
Quick thought of being in front of people: Your child may or may not like being in front of people by personality, but the faith community is important to the experience because of the joining and celebrating layers. And part of ‘being ready’ for them may be about getting comfortable with it as a community practice. On the flip side, this is why it’s not cool for a youth group to baptize kids or teens at a camp without the rest of the community being invited to bear witness.
I love all of this! I am at the other end of the spectrum with kids who would rather die than stand in front of our church and have people "looking at them" while water is dribbled down their heads. (I should add that I was baptized as a teen per my parents urging and also felt intense embarrassment but did really want to do it so...lots of conflicting inner thoughts). My spouse and I will never force them to get baptized but we have discussed why other people do, what it means, etc. and it's still a firm no. Has anyone else gotten a similar response from their introverts?
I am working in a Presbyterian Church and grew up in a ELCA Lutheran Church so baptism is much more common as babies and rarely as adults, even more rarely as teenagers. I'm newer to working in the church world and slowly learning about other traditions. Grateful for these comments below, thanks everyone!