"I know Grandma said X, BUUTTTT..."
Hi there! Happy May the 4th! My kids watched Star Wars for the first time this year, so they are thrilled, thrilled about this date. (I was thrilled my younger son was born May 3rd so I didn’t have to deal with his birthday on May 4th for all time.)
Today, let’s talk a bit about extended family and changing faith.
I asked a couple weeks back if you’d share a bit about the challenges you navigate with family. Hooo-eee was there a lot, and thank you for sharing. I read every comment, saved them and re-read them again.
Two major themes came through in particular:
Family members who just cannot deal with a difference in beliefs.
While a lot of people are navigating a more conservative (theologically, politically or both) Christian older generation, some mentioned their extended family is less invested in faith than they are. People cited differences around how to read the Bible well, affirming LGBTQ+ identities, and issues of justice. Fear was a frequent visitor to the party and seemed to drive the tension as well.
Family members who say things in front of/directly to our kiddos:
This included unasked-for “gifts” of books, invitations to grandparents’ church’s VBS/Awana given straight to kiddo, or calling a child’s hard emotional moments ‘sin’ in the child’s hearing. Mainly, the frustration people felt was not trusting a family member to talk about faith around (and especially not with) their kid.
I want to talk about this second theme together today. Because it’s particularly challenging in terms of how it works against the thing so many of us want.
Because that came through in what you shared too:
What you want is a relationship marked by respect. Where there’s difference, can there also be gentleness and curiosity? Where you’ve changed, can there be trust that it was on purpose, and with great thought? You want curious conversation, not verbal combat.
You want to be able to let what was shared between the family be a gift to your kid. You want your extended family to acknowledge that you’re the parent, they’re the partners, but only if they will commit to being good ones.
And this whole “say something to or in front of my kid” thing?
It is getting in the way. Big time.
What I’d like to share is a framework for talking with your child after a family member shares an idea with them that you think needs correcting. Because I’m in camp “kids first”. They need to win, and if they got the wrong message, attending to them is the key.
Maybe they were told a Bible story that isn’t for kids.
Maybe they were told that God holds a particular opinion but actually that isn’t God’s opinion, just Grandma’s.
Maybe your child just picked up on the vibe in the room and you know you need to help them interpret that weird vibe. (Because the vibe was that kiddos walked in right as someone insisted on a debate based on the latest news item related to a complicated, nuanced issue.)
Here’s what you do:
Affirm the person. Correct the content. Ask a question.
A couple examples, based on the responses.
TOPIC: Church attendance.
Affirm the person.
“Aunt Jo is someone special to you and I know you especially love her dance parties.”
Now, after you affirm the person, you might transition to what you know you need to correct by saying:
“I’m going to share that I disagree with something Family Member said/did. And that’s OK. Family members can disagree and love each other at the same time.”
Correct the content.
“I heard her tell Grandpa that people should be in church every Sunday. Remember that? I wanted to check in with you about that idea. I’m going to share that I disagree with Aunt Jo on this. And that’s OK. Family members can disagree and love each other at the same time. You know we don’t go to a church building every Sunday right now. Maybe someday we will. But God is not upset about that. God is full of compassion and kindness, and I think God is helping us figure out what it looks like to not just love God, but share God’s love with others.”
Ask a question.
“Have you missed going to church much?”
Somethings to note:
You set the tone for this. You choose grace for Aunt Jo by keeping your voice calm and even.
When you correct content, keep it direct and short. Start with the simplest, true thing.
The question is there to help you gauge impact. How much did your kiddo notice/care about Aunt Jo’s comment? (Because we all know kids might either have not noticed a bit or be very bothered.) Closing with a question shows this is a conversation they are invited to join. Invite a real answer from your kid with a curious tone so they know they aren’t expected to give a ‘right answer’ to your question.
Here’s another example.
TOPIC: Making a “salvation decision”
Affirm the person.
“Hey, you know how you said that when you slept over at Grandma’s she asked if you’d accepted Jesus into your heart? I wanted to talk about that a bit.
“First of all, I hope you know that we love Grandma a lot, and not just because her cookies are the best. So I’m going to tell you I disagree with her about something, and that’s ok. Family members can disagree and love each other at the same time.”
Correct the content
“Some people talked about choosing to love and trust Jesus as “asking him into your heart”, it’s the image of our friend Jesus always with us, even though he doesn’t shrink and actually come into our body.
“And some people have a moment when they officially say yes to Jesus. Yes they trust him. Yes they want to follow him. Yes they want to “invite him into their heart.” But not everyone has this. Other people take more time getting to know Jesus. They learn more about him. People followed Jesus for years in the Bible, just trying to get a sense of whether he was the real deal.
“What I want you to know is that you can take as much time as you need getting to know God, exploring Bible stories, asking questions. And I’m here to help. And if Grandma asks you that again, you can just say, ‘I’m still figuring that out.’”
I do like giving our kids permission and language for how to speak to a family member if the issue comes up again. Kids are often confused when trusted adults are at odds, and this empowers them in that situation.
Of course what your family wants to emphasize here could be different than what I’m suggesting. This is what I would say to my kids if my in-laws pushed for a ‘decision,’ based on our family faith culture.
Ask a question
“Does that makes sense? Whachu thinkin’?”
In other words, the question can be about the topic or just a volley back their way.
I know there’s more, like…
how to set boundaries with Aunt Jo and Grandma.
how to both care for your kid and care for your own self in the family dynamic.
how to find safe spaces for your faith when your family isn’t one and how to find space to grief that your family isn’t a safe space for faith.
and while I can’t speak to those right now, I know it’s a lot. Erin Moon and I will be taking on as much as one podcast can hold on our next episode of The Bible Binge’s I Kid You Not.
Please know that as I re-read what you shared, I prayed for you and all you’re working out with this stuff. It’s worth it.
For now, a blessing.
As you walk new paths of grace, may you notice the Holy Spirit as your companion. May you experience God as one who gives you courage on your changing faith journey. May God fill you with wisdom as you choose your faith culture with care.
Once again, thank you. This framework is so needed and appreciated.
Love the starting point of affirming the person. And repeating I’m going to disagree and that’s ok we can still love each other. Put’s relationship first and honors differences and makes space for people to have questions!