Kids + Faith + Setting Boundaries with Loved Ones
2 reminders, 2 tools
With holiday time coming for many of us, it seemed a good time to talk about kids, faith, and setting boundaries with loved ones. If you’d prefer to listen in, podcast style, it’s also recorded!
I was with a group of parents and caregivers in a workshop a couple years ago, and during the Q+A time a dad asked about navigating his own parents, who were loving and lovely, and also expected to be respected and heeded.
The adult kids in the family were still supposed to maintain this role, meaning that having a different family faith culture—perhaps one that didn’t require a moment of still, silent prayer before every meal, didn’t bring home certain children’s Bibles, didn’t send their kids to Awana–well, that wasn’t going over well.
In response I shared an idea for conversations I’d found really helpful from Henry Cloud and John Townsend’s work (it’s in here later on!) My hope was to offer a way to imagine this challenging, but perhaps needed, conversation.
When I finished, there was a beat of silence. Then the dad said, “Yeaaaa, that won’t work.”
Well ok then.
The room burst into empathetic laughter. Heads nodded all around. The fact was, the family system was set up in such a way that children–no matter how old–simply do not set boundaries with their elders.
Maybe you feel some version of this yourself. The details may be different, but the reality that you approach faith differently than some people you love is the same.
You may not believe quite the same things, and/or you may have a different vibe to how you do faith in your family. And that should be fine–we can be different!-sometimes those loved ones have feelings about it and out of those feelings say and do things.
And sometimes they want to get at your kids to fix your perceived wrongs.
And even if it feels like it won’t work, it’s worth trying to set some boundaries. Here’s why:
WHAT’S AT STAKE
It can be challenging to set a boundary anytime, but it’s especially true with loved ones, especially about faith, because it’s so very personal.
But it’s so important. This is an opportunity to be on Team Kiddo.
When God is misrepresented to a child, the child meets not-god. But they still think that is what God is like. It’s how kids are wired when it comes to the trusted adults in their lives.
When you set a boundary, hard though it may be, you are doing the work to protect your kid from the kind of hard that is untangling a warped view of God.
Sometimes we work so hard to keep the peace with the generation above us at the expense of the generation behind us. Your kid, all kids, deserve the time, space and experiences that will help them get to know our God, for real. They need it if they’re going to form a healthy relationship to God.
We need to find a holy courage to set the boundaries that protect their faith journey.
TWO REMINDERS TO START
Boundaries can be set by degrees.
You can start small and see how it goes, knowing you can scale up. There’s everything from “These few things need to stop, thanks!” all the way to the full nuclear option, “We won’t be coming over until we know that you won’t do the thing. Bye!”
Perhaps consider what level to start with; you can increase the boundary as needed.
Boundaries are enforced by your response.
When it comes to the other person, what you say to set a boundary is still a request. Hopefully they honor it. But if not, then you need to be prepared to respond. What will you do if they do not change? Again, your options are by degrees. You can speak up, change the subject, leave the conversation, leave the room, take space from time together, and so on.
START WITH: WHAT NEEDS TO CHANGE? (and you can’t say everything)
Start by getting clear: what needs to change? And “all of it” is too big.
So tool #1: STOP, START, and SCRIPT, is meant to help you make it smaller and more concrete.
STOP AND START
When it comes to this person, your kid, and faith stuff, what needs to STOP and what needs to START?
STOP: What are they saying or doing that needs to end? and
START: What is one thing you wish they would say or do instead?
Stop asking us to go to your church.
Start asking us about our plans for the weekend in a neutral voice.
Stop giving us books and Bibles.
Start reading this Bible we have vetted when kiddo is here.
Stop implying misbehavior is sin instead of developmentally normal.
Start responding to misbehavior with “I see you. I hear you.” and if it’s relevant, then follow with “This is what needs to happen right now.”
The hope is to get clear about the behaviors that need a boundary.
SCRIPT
From there, it could help to prepare a script for how to say what you need, like:
“Research shows there are lots of beautiful ways to support a kid’s faith, so we’re taking time to decide what’s a fit for us.”
“It’s exactly because I want kiddo to meet God well that I’m not willing to have them hear messages that will confuse them. So that book/your church/that theological idea isn’t a fit for us.”
“I hear that you feel worried, but kiddo’s faith is my responsibility.”
“It’s important to me that kiddo gets to take their time getting to know God.”
“I feel like you don’t trust me to nurture kiddo’s faith when you keep [buying us books, asking if we went to church, asking if they prayed the prayer]. Can we agree that I’ll share when I’m ready?”
“I appreciate how important faith is to you. Our family may look different, but that doesn’t make it less important to me.”
Having some words ready to start the conversation can save you that on-the-spot, emotionally charged but tounge-tied, moment.
BEHAVIORS VERSUS DYNAMICS (Ok, now you can say everything needs to change)
Storytime. My mother in law was the kind of person with only one right way. Hers. That was true in all things, including her expectations for my kids’ behavior. She once got upset that my 3 year old didn’t smile on command for a picture. Another time he put glitter on a paper Christmas wreath incorrectly.
My mother in law didn’t live long enough for us to need to set boundaries about faith specifically. But in her last year, knowing what lay ahead, we did find that we needed to talk with my father in law about moving forward together. We needed to end the ongoing dynamic that was “our kids feel that they aren’t good enough, even if they don’t have the words for it” if we were going to have hope for something better in the future.
Earlier I mentioned the book Necessary Endings by Henry Cloud and John Townsend. They discuss a specific type of ending I hadn’t considered before:
the ending of a dynamic.
In these cases, what we realize is that this way of relating has to stop, and a new way of relating has to be co-created together.
This is what many of us feel when the answer to ‘what has to change?’ seems to be everything. There are dynamics that keep playing out, and so addressing single behaviors feels like whack-a-mole, because the dynamic carries on and guarantees another mole will pop its little head up in time.
So ask yourself: Do you most need the end of a specific BEHAVIOR or an ongoing DYNAMIC?
Their suggestion for this particular type of boundary setting is a conversation like this:
Affirm what you can. Share what you appreciate about the person.
Name the dynamic you hope for. Paint a picture of things working well.
Name what is. Speaking for your experience, describe how reality is not the hoped for dynamic.
Name what you’d need from the person.
Then, this end is key:
Ask them, Do you think you can do that? And wait. The ball is in their court, there. Because we cannot control others.
REMEMBER
You get to be with your kid as they get to know God and discover if God can be trusted. That’s not just about the faith-related information you offer, but about the type of culture you create for them in the process.
If you are creating something with freedom, grace, space for questions, room for doubt, respect for feelings, patience with the process, no matter whether your loved ones get it or not, you’re doing beautiful work for the kids in your life.
Help others with your scripts! What have you said to help name your boundary with a loved one? We are all looking for clear, kind words that can be ready in our minds!
-Kids Worship Playlists on Spotify-
I’m really, truly not-hip. So it’s no surprise to me that the ONLY playlists I have on Spotify… a) I had to be taught to make by a young person and b) made this month for the first time and c) are of kids’ church music with lyrics that I like, theologically.
-Preschool in the GBBW!-
When I began writing the Great Big Bible Story Walkthrough, one question that surfaced early and often was: will there ever be stories for kids under 5? I’m so happy to finally say yes!
The Preschool Pack: Old Testament stories came out last week for members of the Kids + Faith Community.
ICYMI: The Great Big Bible Story Walkthrough is a resource to help you have better conversations with kids about the Bible. You get a weekly email with a Bible story paraphrase, ideas to wonder, play and pray in response, and a context and commentary page just for grown ups to equip you for kid’s questions.
-Grow Gratitude-
The Family Gratitude Journey Guide is back! It’s intentionally simple, structured around 3, 10-minute Family Chats scheduled over a month. Each Family Chat explores one Bible verse and has one fun activity to do together.
More importantly, this journey will help your whole family to try out 3 research supported, gratitude-cultivating practices:
Noticing goodness.
Expressing gratitude for others.
Finding good in the midst of hard things.
-Christmas Resources-
If you’re really on it and want some Christmas resources, they are back as well, both for families and churches.
May God give you courage for the sake of the kids in your life. May God give you kindness and compassion for these people you love, even as you need something to change. May God fill you with love that covers over any clumsy words. May God give you peace about the way you are choosing to approach faith for your kids.
Amen.